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Susan darling, these last three days seem to have been endless, but now it's nearly time to go to the church.
The minutes seem to fly. As the hands of the clock approach two, I seem to grow panicky inside, for this will be
the last time I will be able to look upon your face in this world, maybe forever-for who knows if I will ever be good
enough to ever reach your exalted sphere in the hereafter. I simply cannot bear the casket to be closed, for even
your still little body is some consolation. Soon all the concrete evidence of my precious baby will be gone. Yet as I
look around I know that I am not the only one who is grieved, all your little friends are here, sick inside as I am that
this is their last glimpse of you. Kay Hafen told me that "Susan is everybody's very best friend." And Carol Ann Syphus
said, "Susan loved us all. She never left us for new friends."
They have all come to see you, Susan. Kay, Beverly, Carol Ann, Judy, Kathy, Sharee, Donna Lou, and Sharon. Everyone loved you so much. I guess I will just have to be happy that I had the chance to love you for nine years. The time has come and though I can't bear it, I must memorize every little detail of your face to carry in my heart forever. Your little freckles and the tan you brought back from Long Beach. You can never wrinkle your little nose like a bunny at me anymore. The little arch the chicken pecks left, the cowlick in your hair. You don't ever need to "feel funny," darling, because you look your best. Your finger nails have been polished and you even have lipstick on. I know you will love the little blue satin gown and will feel real grown up in the lovely white negligee. Your dancing shoes are on already to dance your way through heaven. No more corrective shoes for you, baby. There isn't a single snarl in your hair for I spent all Sunday morning undoing the tangles. Braids, to me, look the best on my baby, but you even have curls on the ends. Yes, you are a picture of perfection and I didn't forget your perfume because I do so want to return you to God smelling nice and fresh. Susie, darling, I am returning you even better than I received you. Goodbye my darling, til we meet in the next world. Be good to all the babies on the other side and as Teddy says, help all the kids over there with their arithmetic. I'll have to leave now because I can't see them shut the door. The Services were perfect for you, just like you would have liked them. I know you must have been singing in your angel voice along with them. I once had a doll that was all dressed in white I called her my baby and I'd hold her tight Her cheeks were so white and her lips were to red But I loved her best of all each time she said Chorus: Mama mama mama mama One little word she knew Mama mama mama mama To me it means "I love you" My dolly was waiting when I came to play And I always knew what she would do each day I'd bathe her and feed her and put her to bed But I loved her best of all each time she said Chorus Then came the time I remember the day I wrapper her in paper and put her away Now I've got a secret sometimes when I'm blue I still get a thrill again listening to ChorusClaudia and Maurine Haslam and Kathy Larkin sang it perfectly. I could see you doing your tap routine to "Me and My Teddy Bear." Only in my dreams. But it really got me to hear "Walking My Baby Back Home." I remember the rehearsals for it. Wasn't it lucky we went ahead without Mr. Johnson's okay so you could be in a performance all your own. Your little ponytail really bobbed as you sang. Gee it's great after staying out late Walking my baby back home Arm in arm over meadow and farm Walking my baby back home We stop for a while, she gives me a smile (I can just see the smile you gave the audience) And snuggle you head to my breast ---- go by and they gave me the eye (Oh those green eye-how they could talk) Walking by baby back home We start --- to pet and that's when I get Your talcum all over my chest ---- go by and they gave me the eye (Oh those green eye-how they could talk) Walking by baby back home We start --- to pet and that's when I get Your talcum all over my chest Elma Ann and the Miles sisters, they really loved you too and sang more like a hymn than a popular tune. Mrs. Parkinson and Mrs. Reichmann really said some sweet sincere things and it made me feel so proud to know that my little girl has always been such a kind and thoughtful little lady. Ann Rhea gave such a nice talk about the things we used to do when you were a baby over to Toquerville. Even Mr. Hayward (Hayseed) wrote a poem about you. Yes, he too loved you and will miss you. Our Susan Our Susan's gone, the stars stand still Almighty plan, it was His will All she left her parents was just one curl Our St. George favorite and sweetest girl Be kind to all was her childish plan For her, let's try it man to man Harry H. Hayward Western Story Writer St. George, UT Remember our entertainments up to the mortuary? I never in my wildest flights of imagination ever dreamed that the first song you learned perfectly to sing at our family night would be the last one for you. You sang so beautifully and confidently it seemed only fitting that is be our farewell song. Little Carla Terry sang so sweetly that there wasn't a dry eye in the church. Now the hacienda is dark, the town is sleeping Now the time has come for parting, for weeping Vaya con Dios my darling Vaya con Dios my love Now the village mission bells are softly ringing If you listen with your heart you'll hear them singing Vaya con Dios my darling Vaya con Dios my love Wherever you may be I'll be besidew you Although you're many million dreams away Each night I'll say a prayer to guide you To hasten every lonely hour of every lonely day Now the dawn is breaking through a gray tomorrow But thememories we share are there to borrow Vaya con Dios my darling Vaya con Dios my love Vaya con Dios my Susan and may He love you as much as the mother you leave behind loves you. The memories we share are such lovely ones I'll borrow them after in the grey tomorrows ahead. I'll relive each precious moment from the first day you were lent to me. If there was ever a child wanted and planned for it was you. You were meant to be your daddy's birthday gift. You must have been as eager to come to us as we were to have you, for you hurried up the schedule and arrived two weeks early. It was awful in Toquerville during the war without transportation. About three a.m. on the morning of the tenth day of April, you decided you wanted "out." There we were, no car, no nuthin'. My what a situation, we hadn't planned on hunting transportation for at least another two weeks. It was a lucky thing that Uncle Ar had arrived that day from Vegas and had moved down to "Paradise Lost" that very day so we could use his car. My what a ride! At three o'clock in the morning fifty miles to the hospital. You were always considerate, born in time, so as not to interrupt the early morning schedule of the nurses. Dr. Graff was sorta apologetic when he presented me with my third little girl. One look at you and no one need ever to apologize. I have never seen a little baby that looked like you. Such a plump round little face, just like a doll, but your hair! Thick and dark and long and standing straight up. You reminded me of a feather duster that Grandma Miles used to have. Everyone in the hospital came to see that darling baby with such unusual hair! So you started out young to be unusual. It was a beautiful spring that year, early one too. All the leaves were out, lilac and blossoms in bloom and it was a late Easter Sunday. The day after I brought you home from the hospital we went on an Easter picnic. There was scarcely a spot up to Old Cradle that wasn't covered with picnickers, people coming down to Dixieland for a glimpse of the sunshine, and you stole the show from all the wonders of nature. Such a good baby you were! You just ate, slept, and cooed, growing more beautiful every day. All summer long! I would give you your bath and quietly put you down with your bottle in your crib on the screen porch. If I hadn't have had to change your pants and bottle I would have forgotten all about you til around five in the afternoon. Then Jeannen (?) Olds would come over to borrow you. She loved babies as much as you grew to love them. Around the town she would stroll, pushing you in your buggy. How Aunt Francie envied me! You stole her heart from the first minute she laid eye on you. About once a week she would bring Grandma and come to spend the day. How we looked forward to the event. "Bring me my baby!" she would demand as soon as she walked in the door. "You are not keeping her penned up today!" Then you would pass from one pair of loving arms to another the entire day. Grandpa Arch even always claimed you as his and he always said he was the only one who could get you to sleep at night. Grandpa Arch's eye matched your so I guess you did sorta stand alone in the family with him. My only blue-eyed baby. Now I have no blue eyes left. You loved the "Blue eye beauty, Do your mother's duty" rhyme. Later when they turned sorta green you wanted to wear the colors that turned them blue again. I never had trouble finding a baby sitter when I had to leave. Aunt Frances was eager to borrow you for a few days. It was just like Christmas for them when you arrived for you were a doll. Don't think you weren't "spoiled" when I got you back either. As I look back it seems funny you loved pretty clothes as you grew up. Clothes seemed to be your pet peeve as a baby. Practically every day some neighbor would come to the door. "Did you know Susan was out playing without a stitch on?" It was such fun for you to sit on the little bridge and watch your clothes float down the stream, one at a time, as you took them off-new shoes, stockings, panties, everything. Then with nothing left to go down stream, you wandered away to play, naked as a jay bird. Poor Bessie! You always went to play with her little boys. I guess Ashley Fish was your first conquest. Bessie always tried to build a big romance for you. Ashley was an awfully cute little boy. Even after he moved away and he didn't know you very well any more he referred to Susan Spilsbury as his best girl. There were mighty big tears rolling down his cheeks as he saw you for the last time. As I dream back, you certainly were the "mama doll". Your cheeks were so white and lips were so red. Mother used to think you must be anemic to have such white skin. Yes, you were white and clean all over. I can remember what a problem you were to "break." As soon as you "wet" your panties, off they would go, so wet pants never bothered you. I had to go all over the neighborhood gathering up soiled pants! We had such a pleasant neighborhood for you to begin life in. Gladys Olds across the street with grown up boys and _____, all of them loving children. Dick always thought you were tops, even named his own first baby girl Susan! Then there was Wilma and Lorn (?) Bringhurst with only Connie and simply adoring babies, and Frances and Leola Slack. Besides Ashley Fish, Keith Stapley was also your exact age and he lived down the street. You, however, were the only baby girl and the envy and darling of the neighborhood, looked after by adults and kids alike. One day Gladys came over scared to death. Vicki and Jane had been watching you, but they were small, too. You wanted to go swimming in the ditch, so they let you. You were so little and the current was so swift! Under the bridge you went with Vicki and Janie holding onto your chubby little legs trying to pull you out again. Luckily Gladys came along just in time to retrieve you. That was really a scare. You were only 2 ½ when you gained another brother and sister. Aunt Frances gladly adopted you for a month. With all the extra work and illness and confusion the new babies brought I could hardly stand it until I got you back again. That was when you proved you were smart. "No" was the only word you attempted. You refused to learn anything more. Thus your place as the baby was not usurped by the twins. They were "the twins" and you were "the baby" still. Remember your first birthday party? I believe it was your third party. We were living up to Aunt Dolly's, waiting for our new house in St. George to be built. The weather was warm, new leaves on the trees and the grass long and green. We decided to have an Easter egg hunt and invite your Sunday School class. I'll never forget how important you appeared. Good Old Leland Bringhurst brought you some lovely hair ribbon and Easter eggs. His birthday is the same day as yours. I'll always like him for making my baby happy. I guess the chicken pox was the first major catastrophe that occurred after we moved to St. George. I have never seen such a pitiful sight as you were. Pocks in your eyes, on your tongue, in your long tangled hair, everywhere. There were so large and ugly, more like small pocks. In fact you were the worst looking mess I've ever seen. Yet you were the best one of the bunch, didn't scratch nearly as much as the others, and how you itched! I was so afraid for your beautiful white skin. It seemed a miracle except for a little arch of scars between your eyebrows, there wasn't a single mar. Then you had the measles and boy were you measley. Somehow or other you always had things the hard way. The real measles came first. Then the German measles! We were awfully glad to get them over with so it wouldn't spoil your chances to have the twelve children you wanted. I guess that what hurts me the most, now you'll never have them, in this world anyway. Everything soon returned to normal and you were once again your happy self. We were all glad to have most of the "kid diseases" all over with. Kindergarten was so much fun for you. You were the first one in the family to attend kindergarten. Mrs. Gibson and Merlyn Schmutz were your teachers and you felt so important, especially so when Jay McAllister chose you to chase at recess. Remember the summer you took dancing from Fawn? Wasn't it fun? All that dance paraphernalia. The little clothes three with the little skunk on it and the big duck feet, and the ruffley night gown. That was your first performance in public. For such an important occasion we got a machine permanent for you and it burned your hair! It certainly required lots of brushing and oiling to restore it to its beautiful luster again. You went to college your first year in school with Mrs. Foremaster as your teacher. Lots of fun things happened that year too, as you met more kids and expanded your friendship. None of the neighbor children except Judy Reichmann was in your class, so you had to expand and you found there were sweet children your age all over town. You even preferred Tommy Anderson to chase you that year. Remember how Judy Reichmann always wore knee-length hose? My how you wanted some! The only thing you wanted for Christmas that year was a pair of long stockings and a Boxer dog. That was the Christmas we got old Rocky. You didn't want a doll even, you were still loyal to Baby Coo, the first doll you ever had. The Spring program put on by the first grades was about the most important event that year. You were chosen to be in the Easter parade number. Only one couple was chosen from each room. You felt just as big as the clothes you wore: Grandma's pink hat with the big bloom and rose, long dress, a stole, purse, and gloves. Your hair was piled on top, and you wore real make-up. You looked good enough to eat. I'll never forget. They sang "In your Easter Bonnet." The little boy you walked with looked so cute in his top hat. We took your picture after and it will always be one of my prized possessions. As I look back it's hard to remember everything of importance or fun that you did for it seemed everything you did was important at the time. When memories are all I have left I don't want to forget a single thing. Oh Susan darling, how can your mother ever survive just on memories? Help me to remember everything! Lois Wells was your second grade teacher. I remember how excited you were when you came home and announced that she was daddy's cousin. That made you sorta special to have the teacher as a relation. Second grade was a good year for you, you did so well in school. Mrs. Wells used to let you draw things and write stories about them. I was so proud when your story was chosen the best so you could give it in PTA. I believe you were the only one you could hear on the back row. Aunt Helen had spent the summer before here that year. Jan became your best friend almost. Uncle Ross was so good to you and Aunt Helen spread a tea party for you almost every day. Mr. Johnson also came that summer and we decided to let you take ballet and tap. You really did love dancing, didn't you darling? During the last month of second grade Aunt Ruby moved here from Long Beach. George had had polio, which was important to all the kids, but made him a little behind in school. You were just like a little mother, as you took him to school and introduced him to your friends. It was such fun to have a boy cousin in your same class. In July daddy decided to move us to the mortuary and rent our house to Dr. Kow McGregor. Moving was a big mess for me, but you kids loved it. It put us in the third ward and all of you had so many friends there. From the day we moved the place was filled with kids, most of them your friends, Cheri Pectal, Kay Hafen, Janet Dahl, and Donna Lou Parkinson. You always seemed a little older than most of the other children. The last part of the second grade the little girl that lived behind the mortuary, Sandra, and Carrie Laken, both two years older, played jacks there continuously. Carrie was blond and came from Norway. She was always a little lady. Sandra had long red hair that was always tangled. She lived with her grandma and was second mother to her little sister. I've never seen children have such a jack craze. You would play on the porch when you got home at noon and again before you went back. You wore the seat of your pants out in every pair of slacks you had. We went back to see Aunt Frances that spring. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Grandma and Grandpa, Teddy Sue, Daddy and I. (Aunt Frances said the only reason she hated to move to Mississippi was that she would miss Suzie so.) We had a wonderful time but I was certainly glad to get back to my family again. For your birthday that year I made you a darling blue dress, just your color! You had a birthday party down to Grandma's on her lawn. We gave everyone little Easter baskets with a real live little chick in it. Everyone was so thrilled and thought it the best party ever. We played Find the Easter Eggs, and had an Easter Egg roll. Judy Reichmann's nose started to bleed so we had to quit. We had loads of fun anyway. You had turned eight and that meant it was time to be baptized. I don't suppose anything ever meant as much to you as getting baptized. That was one time I really let you down. Your Primary class was going together and I was supposed to go with you to the Bishop to get your recommend the day before. You started begging me to go in the morning, but being busy, I kept putting you off. "We'll go this afternoon," I said. "He doesn't leave till five." About four I finally gave in, only to find he had left one hour earlier to go to a meeting. You were simply heart broken, but I assured you we could see him by eight the next morning before time to be baptized. Next morning, however, the Bishop was at the temple to a wedding. Never have I seen such disappointment in a child. I'll never forget. The temple was to be closed for the summer and that meant you would have to wait till it opened next fall. For such devotion, however, I guess the Lord finds a way. Three days later Mrs. Cox, your primary teacher, called to say someone was getting married and they would also do some baptisms. So, bless your darling heart, you had your wish come true and became a member of the Church. I guess that was the time you were the most disappointed and made the happiest. "The Conqueror" was filmed here in St. George the summer you were eight. All your favorite stars were here: Susan Hayward, John Wayne, Dick Powell, and June Allysonh! All the kids in town went autograph crazy. Teddy Sue was a stand in for Susan Hayward! Daddy become chauffeur for the managing director, Hal Lewis! Mr. Lewis had a very charming daughter just your age, and so lonesome! Daddy took you over to see her and you became friends immediately. Until the film was finished you played with her every day and visited all the stars. I guess June Allyson didn't impress you nearly so much as her little boy, for you certainly loved little children. Of all your friends, Donna Lou Parkinson was the most impressive to me. She could have been your identical twin. She was the same size as you, had the same long braids and green eyes, low forehead and wrinkled her nose like a bunny rabbit. You played so well together, too. I guess what you liked best about Donna Lou was her baby sister, Sarah Jane. When you played to her house she was always your baby. You dressed her in doll clothes and wheeled her in the buggy. Then when Timmy, her baby brother, was born, you thought he was wonderful, but you still loved Sarah the best. You and Donna Lou looked so much alike people seeing you apart always mistook you for the other. It really ticked you when folks asked how you liked your new baby brother Timmy! I don't quite remember when the Boyers first moved across the street. All I know is that Mrs. Boyer's name kept creeping into the conversation and your face literally beamed at the mention of Janice or Albert. Janice was Mrs. Boyer's little two-year-old girl and Albert was her new baby boy. Every time I lost you I could find you over to the Boyers'. Mrs. Boyer was awfully kind to children and she made doll dresses for you by the dozen. Both of the children were especially devoted to you. Janice followed you around and would prefer going to you even when her mother was around. She couldn't talk but you seemed to know and anticipated her every whim. I guess that is why she loved you so. Dancing became a big deal in your life and it was with real pride that you danced for the Kiwanis Club. Then we moved home again. Gee you were glad to return home. There was so much more room and no one to shush you up every time you make a noise. Your old 6th ward friends were happy to have you back too. When we ordered a new car daddy decided to fly back after it. He thought the older girls could go, but you were too little. I pacified you by promising to take you to California to see Jan next time Daddy had to go to Long Beach. The trip east petered out but sooner that I expected the chance came to go to Long Beach. Jan was so happy to see you she wanted you to stay. We didn't even bring any clothes with us so when Aunt Helen said that Jan might return the visit I decided to let you stay. We had to take you to town to buy new clothes and I'll never forget the thrill of excitement you had when we let you pick out your new clothes. You were gone three weeks. They were about the longest three weeks I have spent. You'll never know how I missed you. But you did get a chance to do some really fun things. You went to Disneyland, the beach, Marine Lane, and Knott's Berry Farm. Oh, Susan you were funny when we took you to Knots. It really surprised you when the old bandit in jail knew you and even asked about Judy Reichmann. Boy you were embarrassed when we teased you about having a jailbird for a friend. You made me promise not to tell any of your friends. You knew the jailbird was a dummy, but you couldn't figure out how he knew you. Do you remember the man at DelMonico's, the pizza restaurant? My he had a fancy beard and he was just as fascinated by your hair as you were by his beard. It was kinda exciting when he kept coming to our table and remarking on your long hair. Aunt Helen talked you into going with it unbraided and just combed out. It looked beautiful so long and thick and wavy. I can hear your embarrassed giggle yet, when Aunt Helen said, "That man has a case on Susan, here he comes again!" Gee it was fun the day we gave you the henna. You always wanted red hair and I saw no reason why you shouldn't have it. All the kids in the neighborhood were packed into our kitchen watching the operation. Judy Reichmann and all the Haslams. They were really envious even if their mothers did think I was crazy to give a henna pack to a little nine-year-old girl. And was it ever red! And you loved it and so did I! The Lord must have known he was going to call you back early because you seemed older than most children and grew up faster. I guess that was so you could live fuller and have more experiences and do some of the things other children do when they get older. You became second mother to Janice before we left the mortuary. You even took over the care of Albert when Venice's mother died. Shorty didn't want Titine or Vicki to tend the kids, just you because they loved you so and would be good with you. What did you do with your baby sitting money? Most kids would have spent it on junk but not you. You made a down payment on a cedar chest so you could start your trousseau. You really saved diligently so you could make those monthly payments. I'll bet Snows never had a person so prompt with their payments. You were so afraid it might become scratched and if Snows took it back before you paid for it you would be embarrassed to have a scratch on it. Staying with Aunt Helen three weeks gave you more opportunity to see the world and make new friends. And I guess it also prepared me for what was to come. The two weeks following your return from Long Beach were busy exciting weeks for you. The dance review was to be soon and there was rehearsing and you were to have two new costumes all your own and not Vicki's old ones. Your costume was like a rainbow, green, yellow, and pink, and the long white ballerina one with red hearts and ribbon made you feel real grown up because you were dancing with a boy. You'll never even get to wear them now. When Vicki called me from the hospital to say you had fallen out of the car, my first thought was, "Poor Susan, I'll bet she's broken her arm and can't be in the review, she'll be so disappointed!" Never in my wildest imagination did I dream it would be more serious. Then when I saw your white little face I almost knew what would happen. To think you almost didn't go to the fair! If your friends hadn't want to go to the fair in the "Sun Bus" so badly you wouldn't have gone. Only an hour before you went I was drying your perfect little body. You had to have another bath before you went to the fair cause you just had to be "fresh." And you remarked, "Do you think I'll be able to wear a bra this winter?" And as I wiped your flat little chest I said, "Well probably not this year, but I'm sure you will the next." Those were almost my last words to you. You were happy, eager, and excited and I kissed you good-bye not knowing it would be my last kiss. Oh, Susie, Susie, will I ever be able to do without you? How can things ever be right again! Susan, dear, lots of water has passed under the bridge since I left you at the cemetery that afternoon in September. I find that I survived and no matter what my feeling, things move on anyway. Since you left many of your friends have joined you. I'm sure you must have been thrilled to see Kent Webb when he joined you. Then there was Howard Fisk. I know you would love to see him. Then (?) Maudie is with you now so I know you'll be happy. We have that darling baby that you always wanted. But I guess you know about him as well as I do because when he was born Teddy said, "Course he's beautiful because Susie picked him out and sent him to us." At your "viewing" Mrs. Hafen said the time would come when I could think of you as the most beautiful experience of my life. I'm sure she's right darling. You are an inspiration to the entire, even little Peter Jon. He loves your doll and always says, "This is my Susie's doll and she'll let me play with it." How could you know that the Cedar Chest you worked and saved for would some day house all your little treasures and mementos for your mother. The little drawer is full but such a few things. Yet your mother spends many sadly happy hours caressing the objects that your hands once touched. Oh, Susan, time is passing and the time is probably shorter than we know when we'll be together again, now you are and always a beautiful memory and inspiration. 1972 Your friends have all grown up now and each have families of their own. Donna Lou is an M.D. specializing in pediatrics. Sherry married and divorced. As I look at them I visualize what you might have become. Mostly I know you would have been a mother. Now someone else will have to have the children that you wanted and I suppose that will have to be Titine. Maybe she is doing both yours as well as her work. 1982 Titine is having children for both of you. She is now expecting no. 12. The children are adorable so I know you must have picked them out for her. Maybe some of them could have been yours. Bonnie Blackburn named her little girl Susan after you. You are still loved by all. After all these years have gone by your friends still remember you and talk about you when I see them. Kaye Hafen (now Peterson) has twins. All your friends have several children. |
